Sunday, 5 February 2012

Published

I reviewed some of my old stories and made an anthology of them, which can be obtained from Amazon Kindle books. If you just enter my name you'll find the shortlist. It also includes the autobiographical anecdotes. These do not claim to be entirely factual, entirely comprehensive, or entirely soul-searching! The third entry is for an English reader that is now out of print and extremely rare, it seems. I later incorporated some of the stories and characters from that little book into a saga about the village in the stories. This will eventually be downloadable, but is not yet quite ready to go.

The stories are here if the link works!

Monday, 16 January 2012

Kindle

I swore I would read all my paperbacks before buying an e-reader, but now I'm almost ready to invest! Why? Because I think it's time I sold something and I should at least be able to carry it around with me! I've been giving books away at obooko.com, which is a nice freebie site, but a staggering 658 people downloaded one of the books and I came a way empty-handed. I've now removed my contributions from that site. I hope to upload the whole shortish Hugo story soon (as soon as I've made an illustration for the cover). I've worked on the story, hopefully improving it, but it is short and will be available for just a few cents. Longer works will cost a bit more, but nothing like what they cost on paper! In fact, I'm considering reprinting a little book that came out (on paper) in the early 1990s - published by a real life company, which closed after the death of its owner so that my already planned second book in the series never happened. That little book was a reader for learners of English as a second or even third language. On the other hand, since I had started a second little reader, I eventually took some of the original stories and have been writing it ever since. Time to get it out of my hair!
Why Kindle? Dunno really. I like the name and I've already spent a lot of money at Amazon!

Friday, 18 November 2011

Preview

I wrote this story a few years ago as a Christmes gift for a friend. Here are the first few paragraphs.


The magic piano

Hugo Higgins was fed up. It was Christmas Day, given an hour or two, and no one had even mentioned presents.
Miss Grubb, his class teacher, was convinced that everyone, especially parents, should believe in Santa Claus. On December the first she had dictated a letter to Greenland. Everyone in the class was allowed write a list of all the gifts they wanted for Christmas, even weapons and things. Hugo was sure his dad had read the letter next morning, because he couldn't have seen what was on the computer without removing it. Hugo had crept downstairs when everyone was asleep and stuck the list on the screen with bits of well-chewed bubble-gum. He had also switched the computer on so that the light would shine through the paper. The following morning he had heard his dad, who for once was not on a business trip, cursing and swearing about wasting electricity and accusing everyone except Hugo, who was not allowed to touch his father's computer.
But December had passed uneventfully. No one had asked him about the list and Hugo was sure that must be a bad omen. Instead of the comics, guns and inline skates, he would get the usual assortment of scarves, gloves and socks, boring encyclopaedias and a voucher for some stupid outing or other.
Christmas night was about as dark as it could get. An owl hooted plainchant in a nearby tree and the moon had gone into hiding behind heavy rain-clouds. Although Hugo didn’t really think anything would happen, since there was no Santa Claus, no Father Christmas, and certainly no sleigh with bells and reindeer, he was nevertheless huddled under his duvet to keep out the icy draught while keeping a watchful eye on the open window until sleep overcame him.
The grandfather clock in the hall wheezed like an asthmatic old man, took a deep breath and struck five, startling Hugo, who had set his own alarm clock for the same time. Now it launched its own racket from under his pillow and had to be put out of action in double quick time.
Hugo thought about the second letter he had written to Santa Claus and fixed to his dad's computer keyboard (between letters g and h) with more well-chewed bubble-gum a week ago, after the first version of Miss Grubb’s list still had not brought the slightest, teeny-weeniest enquiry from Mum and Dad. Then he crept down the stairs, shining the way with his torch and dragging his duvet behind him because it was bitterly cold and the central heating wouldn’t switch itself on for another two hours.
Dear Santa,
I forgot to tell you to let me not have piano lessons. I need new football boots, a remote control space-ship and a book on how to make teachers disappear into thin air. Whatever Dad and Mum have told you, I am not musical and can you please give the piano to someone else.
Yours quite truly,
Hugo Higgins,
17 Poplar Avenue, Twiddlington.
P.S. That's the house with the narrow chimney, so you might want to come in through my bedroom window. I’ll leave it open for you.

Unfortunately, the rumours about the piano had only come to Hugo’s ears thanks to a session of eavesdropping, so he couldn’t even protest about them openly.
Hugo went into the kitchen, dragging the duvet along the tiles. He was in luck. Someone had left a glass of orange juice on the kitchen table, and in the biscuit tin there were still a few of his favourite chocolaty ones.................................

Saturday, 5 November 2011

Twain's Rules of Writing



(from Mark Twain's scathing essay on the Literary Offenses of James Fenimore Cooper)

This is another entry from that old website. I like the short instructions at the end most.

1. A tale shall accomplish something and arrive somewhere.
2. The episodes of a tale shall be necessary parts of the tale, and shall help develop it.
3. The personages in a tale shall be alive, except in the case of corpses, and that always the reader shall be able to tell the corpses from the others.
4. The personages in a tale, both dead and alive, shall exhibit a sufficient excuse for being there.
5. When the personages of a tale deal in conversation, the talk shall sound like human talk, and be talk such as human beings would be likely to talk in the given circumstances, and have a discoverable meaning, also a discoverable purpose, and a show of relevancy, and remain in the neighborhood of the subject in hand, and be interesting to the reader, and help out the tale, and stop when the people cannot think of anything more to say.
6. When the author describes the character of a personage in his tale, the conduct and conversation of that personage shall justify said description.
7. When a personage talks like an illustrated, gilt-edged, tree-calf, hand-tooled, seven-dollar Friendship's Offering in the beginning of a paragraph, he shall not talk like a Negro minstrel at the end of it.
8. Crass stupidities shall not be played upon the reader by either the author or the people in the tale.
9. The personages of a tale shall confine themselves to possibilities and let miracles alone; or, if they venture a miracle, the author must so plausably set it forth as to make it look possible and reasonable.
10. The author shall make the reader feel a deep interest in the personages of his tale and their fate; and that he shall make the reader love the good people in the tale and hate the bad ones.
11. The characters in tale be so clearly defined that the reader can tell beforehand what each will do in a given emergency.
An author should
12. _Say_ what he is proposing to say, not merely come near it.
13. Use the right word, not its second cousin.
14. Eschew surplusage.
15. Not omit necessary details.
16. Avoid slovenliness of form.
17. Use good grammar.
18. Employ a simple, straightforward style.

Lost track of this blog....

....but I'm going to start attending to it more often.
I'm revamping an old website and removed a few very ancient pages. One of them included this, which I did not write. It's part of a poem called “The temple” which was written in 1633 by a writer named George Herbert. At that time spelling was much a matter of taste and inclination and influenced by the preferences of the print setters, many of whom came from Holland and brought their Dutch spelling along. George Herbert just changed the spelling of some words to make the rhymes visual! Almost like the concrete poetry of the 20 century, which will also be featured here eventually. 

Paradise.
I Bless thee, Lord, because I GROW
Among thy trees, which in a ROW
To thee both fruit and order OW.
What open force, or hidden CHARM
Can blast my fruit, or bring me HARM,
While the inclosure is thine ARM.
Inclose me still for fear I START.
Be to me rather sharp and TART,
Then let me want thy hand and ART.
When thou dost greater judgments SPARE,
And with thy knife but prune and PARE,
Ev’n fruitfull trees more fruitful ARE.
Such sharpnes shows the sweetest FREND:
Such cuttings rather heal then REND:
And such beginnings touch their END.

Thursday, 19 May 2011

How time flies!

I wanted to pass the link to this blog on and realized that it's close on three months since I looked at it.
Part of the problem is that I've been painting intensively for weeks and weeks, practicing a new oil painting method. The only writing I've done lately has been in my head. I always think about the ongoing literary effort when I've put my light out at night. I have good ideas after midnight, being a night bird. But the effort of thinking about what to write next is also soporific. For instance, in my new book, which might never see the light of day but is fun to write, I've got one of my main characters into a conundrum not even she can solve, despite her detecting talents (growing as the book lengthens!). FAQ (every night for about a fortnight): How do I explain how a corpse is found in a store changing room and then lands behind a container outside behind the store mid-afternoon without anyone noticing. I know there's a simple answer somewhere. But if I shift the corpse out of the changing room before its demise, my heroine (Cleo) can't more or less stumble over it. So up to now I've got it being carted down an outside fire-escape by someone. Here's a short except from the book. It transpires that the dead woman lived opposite Cleo's mother (Gloria). Actually it's a continuation of the book available on obooko.com. I developed some really good characters and didn't want to desert them. Maybe I'll join this (episodic) novel to the first one one day and try to get it published properly. Who knows? Robert is Cleo's partner. Jay is Cleo's gangster ex husband. Cleo is a librarian. Robert has a butcher's shop.

The chapter is headed "Gloria gets into the act" and it's the first draft. 

(Press control+plus sign for larger print)
 

Cleo didn’t think she could do anything for the poor woman lying discarded in the back yard of Milson’s, which claimed to be a fashion store with a difference that probably didn’t include itinerant corpses. Having explained the situation to the police and given them her phone number, she made her escape before someone from the press turned up, having no desire to be connected with the case since that would mean barrages of questions from all and sundry at the library. It was now late and she was only just in time to get a lift home from Clare, who was very curious to hear what Cleo had bought, but instead got to hear about the reason Cleo had not got round to buying anything after all.
Robert had cooked the dinner and was extremely relieved that Cleo was not anxious to play at detecting. He did not really approve of this streak in her personality. Quite apart from the danger she might get into, any case she had been involved in up to now had proved very time-consuming and exhausting and his work left him no time to help her. But once Cleo had told him of the events so far, it was clear that she was going to leave it to the police to find out the facts. Since it was probably a murder case, that was the most sensible solution.
Unfortunately the police had no immediate success with the identification of the dead woman, so the press photographer was allowed to publish a very sharp image of the corpse on the front page of the morning paper. At about half past seven the following morning, just as Cleo and Robert were about to have breakfast, the phone rang and a very agitated Gloria shouted ‘Have you seen this morning’s paper?’ down the line.
Cleo switched the phone to loud so that Robert could listen in.
‘No, mother. Not yet. I’m just getting up.’
‘Well, look on the front page because the woman in the photo is, or rather was my neighbour.’
Cleo’s heart sank. She had made a big effort to put yesterday’s events out of her mind, but it wasn’t to be. If Gloria had recognized the woman, then she would have to identify her and Cleo was sure she would be expected to provide moral support. Robert handed her the newspaper. Sure enough, it was yesterday’s corpse spread over holf of page one.
‘You could be mistaken.’
‘No way. she lived directly opposite in that old house. It’s divided into apartments and that woman lived on the ground floor.’
‘Are you quite sure? What was her name?’
‘I don’t know. I’ve only been living in that street since I came back from the States. You know that. I never saw her with anyone and the few times we talked together she had a foreign accent and was quite unfriendly. As if she would have preferred not to talk to me right then.’
‘I know exactly how she must have felt.’
‘This is serious, Cleo. I always had the feeling she was looking around, like she was afraid of something, and before you ask, I did take a look at the names on the mailbox flaps and there was none on hers.’
‘How did you know it was hers?’
‘Because the bottom mailbox flap belongs to the bottom apartment, of course.’
‘Not necessarily, Mother.’
‘And there was no name on it because the woman did not want people to know she lived there. She was scared of something, Cleo.’
Gloria was probably imagining things, but telling her that would enrage her. Cleo was not anxious to deal with Gloria’s tantrums. She could still remember the way her mother had championed Jay.
‘She probably had good reason to be, considering what happened to her. You’ll have tell the police all of that, mother. You’d better go there rightaway.’
‘On my own?’
‘Sure.’
‘Can’t you come with me?’
‘Do I have to?’
‘You could remind me of what I’ve just told you.’
‘Are you scared, too, Mother?’
‘Just imagine whoever murdered the woman saw us together and then saw me walking into a police station!’
‘If I tag along, that will only make things worse. After all, I did spot the corpse first.’
‘You did? You didn’t tell me that.’
‘I didn’t want to bother you. I called the police and left.’
‘So what now?’
‘If Clare can manage at the library I’ll be glad to come with you. I’ll ask her and phone you back. And we’ll meet inside the police building.’
So much for not getting involved, thought Cleo. Robert just shook his head. Gloria had a talent for getting into the thick of things. But Cleo might just be able to prevent things escalating. After all, Gloria had no evidence and certainly no proof that the dead woman was anything other than a harmless immigrant.
‘I’ll run you down there when you’ve organized Clare.’
Thanks. Clare was as usual cooperative. A few minutes later she and Robert were driving into Middlethumpton in Robert’s white delivery van.
‘But this doesn’t mean I approve,’ Robert told Cleo.
‘I know that. But what else can I do?’
‘At least you’ll get to know more about the case. Just promise me you won’t delve deeper.’
‘I don’t want to delve deeper. This is in a different category from donation box theft and lost umbrellas, Robert. I just want to get Gloria out of that police station as fast as I can.’
Robert was not convinced. He dropped Cleo off and drove back to Upper Grumpsfield. It was high time he opened the shop.
As arranged, Gloria was waiting impatiently at the information desk. She was holding the newspaper.
‘Did you tell the officer why you’re here?’
‘Not yet. I thought I’d wait for you.’
Cleo explained briefly and Gloria showed the officer the photo.
‘Just a moment, please. I’ll contact the detective in charge of the case.’
A few minutes later Cleo and Gloria were sitting in one of the interview rooms. Cleo had met the detective in the store yard so there was no need for a preamble. She introduced her mother as a witness in the case.
‘I know it’s a huge coincidence,’ Cleo said.
‘It’s a small world,’ said Gloria.
The detective turned to her.
‘So you know the woman?’
‘Not really. The way neighbours get acquainted, you see...’
‘But you recognized her from the photo.’
‘Yes.’
‘You’d better look at the corpse, just in case.’
‘I was afraid of that,’ said Gloria. ‘I’m not good at corpses.’
‘Nobody’s good at corpses, Mrs Hartley. But this one’s in quite good condition. You won’t have nightmares or anything.’
The two women followed the detective to the lift and they went down about 3 stories into the bowels of the earth to the pathology lab.
A rather officious looking young woman in a white overall with a lethal looking knife in her hand wanted to know why they felt they had to take up her valuable time.
‘It’s all right, Grace. this won’t take a minute. Where did you put the Milton corpse?’
‘On the slab. I’ve just started my examination.’
‘If you’ve been chiselling away can you go first and cover the body except for the head?’
‘I didn’t know you were squeamish.’
‘I’m not, but these witnesses might be.’
‘OK. Give me a few seconds.’
Grace marched ahead and seconds later shouted the all clear.
Gloria looked briefly at the woman’s face then nodded.
‘That’s her, for sure. She looks older dead.....’
‘And you don’t know her name.’
‘Her name? ‘
 ‘Can’t remember? But at least we now have an address for her.’
The detective thought Gloria might be a little senile. He wasn’t good at guessing people’s age, but some people lost their minds early, so knowing it wouldn’t be of any use.
The detective nodded briefly to the pathologist, who was dying to get on with the job.
 ‘Thanks, Grace,’ he said and gestured to Cleo and Gloria to move away from the slab.
‘We’ll go back to my office for a moment, shall we?’
‘I really should be at library now,’ said Cleo. The smell of formaldhyde was assailing her nostrils. What a place to be in all day, every day.
‘Oh, do you have to?’ Gloria sounded disappointed.
‘I work there, Mother, you know that.’
‘But we could have breakfast together. You have a canteen here don’t you Sergant?’
‘No, mother, not now.’
‘Detective Inspector, actually. Hurley is the name.’
Well, Mr Hurley, that’s a really nice name....’
‘I’ll show you how to get to the main exit.’
Glora seemed rather put out. Detective Inspector Hurley smiled inwardly. Witnesses sometimes made things up if they thought it would make them more interesting.  The detective was sure Gloria was like that. Rather garrulous, even theatrical, he conjectured, liked upstaging people, as she had just done to her daughter. Cleo had just rolled her eyes in his direction. She was probably used to being upstaged. But in fact, Gloria had been quite deferential by her standards. Once back on the ground floor, she led the way to the main exit, waving briefly over her shoulder as if it had been a social occasion.
The detective decided to phone Cleo later to find out what else her mother knew but hadn’t divulged. For now he would just get on with having the dead woman’s flat examined by forensic experts. He might even go along there himself.
While Cleo spent the day working as usual, Gloria had quite different plans. Deducing, quite astutely, that the police would now move into the dead woman’s flat to find clues to her identity and the motive for the crime, assuming it was a crime, Gloria sat at her own window observing the house opposite. Sure enough, hardly an hour had past since she got home when a police car drew up and the forensic experts went into the house. Gloria threw on a coat and dashed across the road. They had left the front door open. She would try to get into the flat. She had her excuses ready. She had been invited to coffee, seen the door open and wondered if something had happened. 
She was in luck.The door of the woman’s flat had been left open and she could hear voices. While the investigators sang to the pop music blaring out of a radio in the front room, she was able to go into the bedroom at the back, where she immediately searched through the drawers of the little bedside cupboard. She didn’t know what she was looking for, but she was intrigued by what she perceived to be a first class mystery and guided by the countless crime series she had viewed on TV. Maybe there would be a diary. Lots of people kept diaries and most of them wrote them up at bedtime. She was in luck. She pocketed a small notebook just in time before one of the forensic experts entered the room and got the fright of his life.
‘I expect you’d like to tell me what you’re doing here,’ he said.
‘The door was open. I’ve come for morning coffee,’ Gloria improvised.
‘Oh really? In the bedroom?’
‘Well, I.... Sometimes my friend gets up late.’
Since the investigator had no reason to suspect Gloria, he excepted her explanation at face value. After all, the forensic department were called to the scene of a crime after it had happened, when as likely as not anyone involved would have long since left.
‘You’d better come with me and I’ll take your fingerprints, though. If you’ve touched anything, we need to rule them out. Apart from which, you are loitering under suspicious circumstances.’
‘Am I?’
Who are you, anyway? Do you have any means of identification?’
Gloria was horrified. She hadn’t given a thought to the possibile illegality of her actions. Her handbag was across the road in her flat. She told the investigator that she had been concerned for her friend because she hadn’t heard from her for days. That explanation seemed to satisfy him. Actually, he couldn’t be bothered with this rather flustered intruder. He had a date that evening, so the sooner he finished the job here, the better.
‘Paul Hurley will be here any minute. You’d better wait for him, then you can tell him all that and take him to your flat. That will verify the truth of your story, Mrs....’
Gloria felt a rush of panic.
‘Hartley. Hurley?’
‘Team leader. I’m not in charge of the investigation. I’m just collecting the evidence here. ’
‘Oh.’
‘Do you know Paul?’
‘Only in passing,’ was the best Gloria could do without getting into even deeper hot water.
Gloria’s fingerprints were still being taken when the detective arrived.
When he saw Gloria, he froze.
‘Why, Mrs Hartley. I didn’t expect to find you here.’
‘The door was open. I just thought...’
‘....you’d do a bit of investigating?’
‘I suppose so.’
‘You’re trespassing, Mrs Hartley.’
‘Don’t be hard on her. She was anxious about her friend,’ the investigator told him in her defense, or maybe because the whole team had been unaware that she was there at all.
 ‘Don’t make me laugh. She doesn’t even know her name.’
‘Yes, I do. It’s Sandra. Sandra Rossi. ’
‘So why didn’t you say so at the station, Mrs Hartley?’
‘I was upset when I saw her lying dead like that. My mind just went a blank.’
Paul Hurley didn’t believe her. Witnesses could be really obstructive sometimes. He wouldn’t accuse her of lying, however. After all, something else might occur to her that was important for his case. 
‘Well, run along, then. I expect we’ll see each other again before long.’
Gloria was glad to get out without further questioning. She made her way back to the flat in a deliberately casual way so as not to arouse further suspicion. She had the dead woman’s diary in the inside pocket of her jacket. It had told her the woman’s name. Maybe it would reveal other secrets. It did not occur to Gloria that she might be in any danger.
Paul Hartley didn’t feel the need to explain how he knew Gloria Hartley. Forensic investigators did not need to know everything.
‘Did she take anything?’ he asked.
‘I shouldn’t think so.’
‘But you’re not sure.’
‘Not really.’
‘You don’t even know how long she’d been here before you caught her, do you?’
‘We had the radio on.’
‘And the door open. Don’t you guys ever think beyond your sticky tape? The woman lives across the road. I’d better follow it up. Just carry on here, but behind closed doors, if you woudn’t mind.’
Paul Hurley crossed the road and rang Gloria’s bell.
Gloria had hidden the diary behind the dry goods in her kitchen cupboard as soon as she got home. She wasn’t really surprised to see the detective at the door.
‘What a surprise! Won’t you come in?’ Gloria hoped she sounded casual.
‘Were you expecting me?’
‘Sort of.’
‘I think you know more than you told me at the station.’
‘No really. I was just curious.’
‘Curiosity killed the cat, Mrs Hartley.’
‘I just wanted to see how Sandra lived.’
‘Why didn’t you give me her name earlier?’
‘I told you that already. I was so shocked to see her lying there that it slipped my mind.’
Paul Hurley still didn’t believe Gloria. Was she involved in the woman’s death? Surely not, but he’d keep an eye on her, he decided.
‘Well, I won’t keep you then, but if anything else slips back into your consciousness I’d be glad if you called me.’
‘Of course.’
Not until the forensic team had completed their investigation, drawn the curtains behind the window facing the street and left with all their equipment did Gloria stop observing the house opposite from her window and risk taking the diary out of its hiding place. She would have to surrender it, she supposed, but not before she’d read it. She was sure her fingerprints would be on on the bedside table. It was only a matter of time before Paul Hurley got to know about them. She would ring Cleo for advice. Cleo would know what to do.
 Apart from the owner’s name, there was very little to go on in the diary. Sandra Rossi was obviously not a diarist.  She had made notes of various appointments and there was a short list of phone numbers at the back, but nothing much else. Maybe she would simply dispose of the little book rather than hand it in. When asked why her fingerprints were on the bedside cupboard drawer, she would admit to looking inside but not to removing anything. That way she would not be branded a criminal and risk being extradited. That was the least she could do for herself. But what could she do for Sandra Rossi? Follow up those phone contacts? Would Cleo advise her against it? Better not ask. Cleo might say no.  

 Thanks for reading!

Wednesday, 26 January 2011

Friends in need



No, I'm not on a begging trip!

I was controlling links and realized that I have orphaned this blog!
I suppose it's because I haven't done any writing at all since getting two books (still with some missprints which I really must correct) onto obooko.com. The titles are "A start in Life" (category biography available here:(http://www.obooko.com/obooko_memoir/bookpages/mem0009_start_in_life_jones.php) and a novel (http://www.obooko.com/obooko_general/bookpages/general2/gen0103_friends_for_life_jones.php), then I even managed to upload a drama I wrote yonks ago here:(http://www.obooko.com/obooko_art_media/bookpages/artmed0011_visitors_script_jones.php)
I did think about lulu.com and will probably go back there. I really wanted to see if anyone would even download!
Actually completing these oeuvres was an achievement in itself! My problem is that I'm a bit of a writer, a bit of a painter and a lot of a musician. It all keeps me out of mischief! Or does it? Looking back, I realize that some of my exploits, which inclue 4 one-woman art shows, were really a bit over the top. But sticking firmly to the adage: Nothing ventured. nothing gained, I'm not really planning to change anything.

Now follows a short sketch I wrote for stage presentation simply ages ago, when my neighbour in the block was British and ran a little theatre. We eventually put on a 2 women evening of my sketches and also read T.S. Eliot's "Cats" called "Cats and other creatures". The show was a big success, but I don't think this sketch was played that evening.

This version is the happy one. I'm compiling a whole lot of stuff as a book and I have another version of this sketch which does not have quite such a happy ending! Press Control with the + sign if the print is too small!


FRIENDS IN NEED

by Faith Puleston

  SETTING
       A theatre after the morning rehearsal. Ada and Nora have been cleaning the auditorium and now wander on to ”tidy up” the stage while the actors are having their lunch. The stage set shows a sitting-room, the play is a murder. Props must include a realistic pistol and a waste-paper basket containing a newspaper.

       CHARACTERS
Ada and Nora, two cleaning ladies dressed in flowered overalls and carrying mops and buckets.
       Ada enters through the auditorium with Nora on her heels.

       ADA: Good heavens!  Look at the state of the place. Those actors must live like                    pigs!
       NORA:  Go on, Ada. They only leave it like this because they’ve got us to clean up after them.

       They are both fed up, especially Ada.

       ADA:      While they sit in some fancy rest-i-rant-i, wrapping theirselves round their dinners. As if they didn’t exercise their jaws enough here!
       NORA: And get good money into the bargain. Just imagine...people paying to hear me talk.
       ADA: I wouldn’t. You’d make a fool of yourself, Nora.
       NORA: If they’ve left one of those scripts about, I’ll show you how good I am.

       ADA looks for one, then she spots the newspaper in the waste paper basket.
       ADA: (handing the newspaper to Nora) Try the agony column. Actors can make a drama out of a shopping list, so you should be well away.
       NORA: Agony columns are private. You can’t go blurting them out all over the place.
       ADA: That’s your excuse. You shouldn’t brag, Nora. You’ll get into hot water one of these days, and I don’t mean your mop and bucket, either.
       NORA: Oh, give it here and let’s get it over with.

ADA sits down on one of the stage chairs and lights a cigarette, while NORA looks for a suitable text in the newspaper.

       ADA: Better get on with it. They’ll be back in a jiff.
       NORA: I’m doing my best, Ada. You wouldn’t want me to recite the weather forecast, would you?

ADA feigns indifference and puffs at her cigarette, dropping ash into the pocket of her apron.

       NORA: Hang on.... Just listen to this:
       COURT REPORT....THIS MORNING MRS DOREEN SMITH WAS PUT ON PROBATION FOR A YEAR AFTER BEING FOUND GUILTY OF THE MURDER OF HER LATE HUSBAND, MR HERBERT SMITH. IT WAS SAID IN HER DEFENCE THAT SHE HAD HAD TO COPE WITH HIS DRINKING FOR 20 YEARS BUT THE LAST STRAW HAD BEEN WHEN HE STARTED LEAVING HIS FALSE TEETH ON THE KITCHEN TABLE TO BE CLEANED. SHE SAID IN HER DEFENCE THAT SHE DIDN’T MIND BRUSHING HIS SHOES BUT SHE DREW THE LINE AT DENTURES......Well, I never!
       ADA: I’d have done the same as her.
       NORA: You wouldn’t.
       ADA: Yes, I would. I’ve been trying to pluck up courage to smother George in ‘is drunken sleep for years.
       NORA: You never let on to me about it.
       ADA: Well, you don’t have to know everything, do you?
       NORA: You let me think your George is a paragon of virtue.
       ADA: What’s that?
       NORA: You know, bringing good wages home and keeping out of fights at the pub.
       ADA: Don’t make me laugh. Why d’you think I come here every day?
       And I don’t buy caviar and fur coats with it, either.
       NORA: You told me he’s a policeman...
       ADA: So he was, in his youth. Then he decided the pilferers he was supposed to be nabbing were a darn sight better off than us.
       NORA: They would be, wouldn’t they?
       ADA: So he swapped sides, so to say. Only he was too brainless to stay clear of the law, so now he’s got a jail sentence behind him and a life of bloody idleness in front.
       NORA: Don’t be coarse, Ada.
       ADA: I’ll be as coarse as I feel like.
       NORA: When I was courting Nigel, my dad said he was too posh for the likes of us. He was right. Too posh to work for a living, he is. Military manners and empty pockets, that’s Nigel. He gets easy credit by showing everyone his war wound, and I end up paying off his debts while he plays the big spender to every Tom, Dick, and Harry he meets.
       ADA: You should be ashamed of yourself, Nora. He defended Britain and now you’re insulting ‘im.
       NORA: He got his ”war” wound falling off the big wheel at Southend, and his military manners come from playing the Chocolate Soldier in amateur dramatics. He’s a fraud, Ada. Pity I didn’t find out before I married him.
       ADA: You should have guessed. Why else would he have married you?
       NORA: I was nice-looking in those days.
       ADA: Beauty over brains, you mean?
       NORA: Better to have one of them than neither!
       ADA: Take that back, Nora.

But NORA’s attention is now on the pistol, which is lying within her reach.  She picks it up and turns suddenly to ADA, pointing it at her.  ADA lets out a loud cry.

       NORA: Don’t panic, it’s only a stage prop.
       ADA: You scared the living daylights out of me.

       There is a long pause while they look at each other, forgetting their differences.

       NORA: Are you thinking what I’m thinking?
       ADA: I hardly dare.
       NORA: Did you see how quick I am on the draw?
       ADA: Marvellous. Just like at the pictures...
       NORA: What if I could get hold of a real one?
       ADA: Your Nigel shoots foxes, doesn’t he?
       NORA: You can’t creep up behind anyone pointing a two-bore shot-gun.
       ADA: What if I were to tell you that I could get hold of a real pistol?
       NORA: I wouldn’t believe you.
       ADA: Well, listen to this, then. When my ol’ man got put away, he told everyone that he’d lost his police pistol. They even searched the house. But they didn’t look under the lining of the laundry basket. It’s been there ever since.
       NORA: George shot with his own gun.....It’ll be all over the papers.
       ADA: You could make it look like suicide.
       NORA: If I agree to do it. What about Nigel?
       ADA: How about a little shooting accident? You tell him you’ve taken the gun to be cleaned, then we send him a secret message telling him he can hear something to his advantage
       NORA: Where?
       ADA: I’ll ask George. He knows all the best places for meeting people.
       NORA: What if we miss, Ada? What then?
       ADA: We won’t, Nora. We can’t.
       NORA: Why didn’t we think of this before?
       ADA: If I’d known about slimy Nigel, I might have.
       NORA: And you said George works for the queen.
       ADA: He sewed Royal mailbags all the time he was inside. A dab hand he was, too.
       NORA: I wonder how many of us would like to do what we’re planning?
       ADA: With a bit of luck there’ll be two less by next week.
       NORA: Let’s ask around. We could earn a bit of extra cash doing favours for women in need.
       ADA: You are a card, Nora.
       NORA: I could really give my place a good do over, with no one coming back to mess it all up.

       ADA and NORA make for back stage and exit on the last lines.
      
       ADA: And no more beer in the bath....
       NORA: ....or cuckoos on the furniture.
       ADA: Time for cup of tea in the canteen, Nora?
       NORA: Is it two o’clock already? We’ve been working overtime.
       ADA: I’ll keep this job going as a cover for a bit........just in case.
       NORA: Good idea......I can’t wait for that tea......

END